'My boyfriend and I argue every week. I’m hurt, but I still love him. What do I do?'
Each week, PhilSTAR L!fe addresses a reader's concern about relationships, career, and anything they want to talk about through its advice column: Asking for a Friend.
Dear L!fe friend,
My name is Monday, I'm a 21-year-old female. I have a boyfriend who's a year older than me. Let's just call him R. I know that it's normal for couples to fight a lot, but these times are just tough. There hasn't been a week in 2022 that we hadn’t had a fight, mostly because of him getting angry at things very easily.
Siguro, nagkasawaan dahil two years na kaming magkasama. Nasanay na lang din ako. But I gotta admit that it leaves an unnecessary feeling in my chest because every time na mag-aaway kami, he calls me names. He says things like "Nagawa ko lang ‘to, kasi naaawa ako sa ‘yo," "Wala akong pakialam kung naghahanap ka ng attention," "Busy ako, intindihin mo na may work ako," and he rarely apologizes. Magiging maayos na lang ulit kami, even if hindi na siya nagsorry sa mga nasabi niya.
Why'd I let it happen? Simply because lumalaki yung away if I bring it up. Nagagalit sya pag tinatanong ko kung bakit ganun yung ugali niya. And every time na tinatanong ko siya if may balak siya magbago, he confidently says "Wala."
Why am I still with him? Because... I still love him. There are a lot of things that already happened to us, and nasabi ko din na nasanay na lang ako sa ganun, na hindi na siya nagsosorry, para mag-cool yung problema.
But yes, the pain piles up. It aches more every time na mag-aaway kami because I can't bring it up even when I knew in my heart that I should. What should I do?
There are a lot of things that I haven't talked about, but still, thank you for letting me get this out of my chest.
—Monday
Dear Monday,
Leave him. L-E-A-V-E now.
Have you got no self-respect? The man is treating you like garbage for months already. Unless you think of yourself as a piece of dirty delicate that he can just trample upon. But you are a woman—with worth, with dignity.
You are emotionally battered. Soon, your mental health will give way if it hasn’t already. You’re young, you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with a douchebag.
Many times you think you can’t be without him. Truth is, you are stronger than you think.
Respect is essential in a relationship. Apparently, R only has the first letter of the word Respect and he lost everything else. And you’re beginning to lose respect for yourself, too, Monday.
Break up with him. Break the cycle of oppression. Leave now. If you’re living in his house, go home to your own abode. He may woo you back. Don’t give in. The cycle will continue. Falling back to the trap is another horror-train ride.
Many times you think you can’t be without him. Truth is, you are stronger than you think. You can move on without him. But you must decide for yourself if this is what you really want. Self-will is what is needed and you can’t move on if you don’t have a covenant with yourself. Go and find yourself—not with this person but with yourself.
Love yourself and sail, move, fly, zoom on without him.
Büm
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