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How long should the talking stage last and other things to consider when 'holi-dating'

By SAAB LARIOSA Published Sep 28, 2022 7:29 pm

"What are we? Wait, never mind."

If you're used to the modern dating scene, that thought has probably crossed your mind more than once when talking to someone. The so-called "talking stage" has long been known as the limbo between casually dating and starting a relationship with someone—and being in the "Now Normal" has likely made it all the more complicated to lock it down. But should it always be that way?

A study by Bumble, the women-first dating and social networking app, found that 56% of Filipino single adults have expressed they are looking for a long-term relationship after most pandemic protocols have eased.

During Bumble's holi-date event attended by PhilSTAR L!fe on Sept. 28, sex and relationship expert and psychologist Dr. Margie Holmes tackled the new dating concept of the "talking stage" with some old-school psychology terms.

"Introverts and extroverts have different comfort zones," Dr. Margie began. "Introverts usually need a longer time of talking when it comes to getting into a relationship, so if you're an extrovert talking to an introvert, that's something to keep in mind."

It should be remembered that introverts and extroverts aren't a matter of being shy or outgoing, but whether you harness your energy from being around people, or alone. 

Dr. Margie added that men tend to take their time when they think they've found someone special, so it's best to not always take it negatively when someone isn't immediately trying to lock it down.

"If you've dated a lot but you're with this woman that's full of green flags, then [men] say that they don't want to spoil it. So maybe they might move a little slower so she'll get to know you better."

Introverts usually need a longer time of talking when it comes to getting into a relationship, so if you're an extrovert talking to an introvert, that's something to keep in mind.

APAC Communications Director of Bumble, Lucille McCart, also shared that taking it slow is fine, but don't simply fill in the blanks of a relationship yourself.

"Take things at your own pace and do what you feel comfortable with," she began. "But also don't stay in the talking stage for too long without adding things in, like voice calls or video calls."

"Because if you're texting all the time you fill in all of the blanks youself about their tone of voice, or who they are. And all of a sudden you're building attraction to an idea of a person rather than who that person actually is."

Here are other holi-dating factors to keep in mind as the holidays (and cuffing season) gets nearer.

"Wala ka pa ring jowa?"

Ah, the age-old question from prying titas and generally curious relatives. Per a commissioned Bumble study among single adults in the Philippines, being asked  "Wala ka pa ring jowa?" (You don’t have a partner yet?) can be a hurtful remark for many.

11% of Filipinos expressed their desire to have a partner due to family pressure, with single male Millennials (those born from 1981 to 1996) being the most likely demographic (14%) susceptible to the trend.

When asked about why they would bring a partner to a family gathering, Filipinos cited both family pressure (23%) and being the only single relative attending the gathering (23%) as their top reasons.

Bumble's APAC Communications Director, Lucille McCart.

"We know that dating in this post-Covid world can feel anxiety-inducing, as people can feel out of practice and more self-conscious than they felt prior to the pandemic," shared McCart.

"Looking for love can also be stressful during the holidays when there are increased social and cultural pressures. The good news is that Filipinos still love love, with the majority wanting to make connections in the coming months. With so many people open to meeting someone, we are bound to see many Bumble success stories born from this holi-dating season."

Baggage during the holidays

With Filipinos being in a largely family-oriented culture, Dr. Margie adds that the discussion of baggage is bound to come up, but it shouldn't be a deal-breaker if you're willing to try.

"All of us are innately social beings. With the several encounters that I have had with people dealing with relationship and marriage problems, one thing I noticed is despite their baggage, they are still looking forward to creating connections but with that renewed sense to find healthier ones," she said.

"Bumble, with its mission to promote healthy and equitable relationships, is certainly admirable for providing everyone, especially women, the means to do so."

The good news is that Filipinos still love love, with the majority wanting to make connections in the coming months.

For people who want to join the holi-dating scene, dating apps like Bumble could be a great platform to connect with new people. Who knows, you might not be joining team S.M.P. for the holidays.

Check out our six tips on how to approach the dating scene here: