It's time to enter our villain era
A lot of people are entering their villain era—and you should, too.
Sweeping across TikTok is a brand new trend, and this time it's encouraging people to be villains. Proliferated by @padzdey, the villain era is not as ominous as it sounds. It has nothing to do with committing heinous crimes or being an unreasonable jerk. The trend, rather, is about asserting healthy boundaries and prioritizing your needs.
@padzdey we’re all villains? #villainera #peoplepleaser #selfcare ♬ in luv w a version of a person - :):)
Specifically aimed at chronic people-pleasers, this trend urges you to unapologetically refuse being taken for granted. It is letting go of the emotional labor of keeping the people around you satisfied and happy all the time.
There are different ways to enter this era. It may be clocking out at work within the defined working hours instead of slaving yourself as a cog in the capitalist machine, or refusing a Saturday night out you don't want to take part in because you no longer mind being viewed as a killjoy. It may even be ignoring that person who's been sending you mixed signals for months, or leaving a relationship that isn't reciprocating your feelings and efforts. Ultimately, the villain era is finally being confident enough that you don't have a problem being disliked like a villain.
Rejecting societal expectations
Since the trend is the antithesis of people-pleasing and the rejection of societal expectations, it is no surprise that most of the people embracing this era are women and queer individuals. Being queer in a patriarchal society, I feel like there is an unspoken imposition on us to be agreeable at all times. This is also pertinent to women who are expected to constantly adhere to other people’s needs. While it may be true that straight men are also subjected to behavioral norms, they are not being punished for setting up boundaries and standing their ground. Unlike them, women and queer people are constantly made to feel bad for being assertive, especially in going against social norms.
The villain era then becomes a form of liberation from the shackles of the rigid standards of society. By its virtue, we are unabashedly advocating for ourselves, even if there are people who will inevitably antagonize us for it. This eventual shift in dynamics, however, may result in a lot of falling out. Finally saying no after a lifetime of saying yes may falsely make people feel like they’re being shortchanged.
This happened to me recently when I decided to cut ties with a friend of almost two decades. Prior to putting up boundaries, I used to be the friend who was available 24/7. I used to willingly travel long hours in the middle of nowhere just to show up for friends. I did not mind sacrificing my time and space as I thought that's how friends are supposed to be. Having learned to value myself more, however, I now understand that taking care of other people doesn’t have to be at my expense. I no longer see my depletion as a measure of what a good friend should be.
Villainy is not that bad
Understandably, some people criticize the use of the term “villain” to signify this shift. According to them, the nomenclature frames prioritizing yourself as villainous and it shouldn't be. Self-respect should not be viewed as a bad thing and refusing to spread yourself thin for the sake of other people should not be thought of as selfish.
It may be argued, however, that calling this trend the “villain era” may be attributed to the recent rise of villain origin stories like Joker, Cruella, and Maleficent. These stories gave us a brand new perspective on the usually one-note villains. It humanized them and made us realize that every single one of us is a nuanced being.
As Yesha Mehta, a therapist at The Mood Space, put it: "Establishing healthy emotional, physical, and mental boundaries allows you to explore your potential in various areas of your life without experiencing the burnout from trying to be the best version of yourself." Being assertive of our boundaries is essential in creating healthy relationships with other people. It is our way of teaching our loved ones how to respect our worth and time.
The real enemy
It must be said, however, that this trend should not be an excuse to completely abandon our responsibilities to other people. Empathy is still a hugely important characteristic, especially in the current state of our world. We shouldn't forget that we're still a part of a bigger community.
Individualism, which I believe is the biggest pitfall of this trend, excuses the current patriarchal system that forces us to enter this era in the first place. It blinds us to the very system that created uneven power dynamics that enabled people to cross our boundaries. By simply focusing on ourselves, we fail to see how patriarchy has imposed on us the inflexible gender roles which conditioned us, especially women, to sacrifice ourselves in order to take care of other people. It also fails to address how we were taught to base our worth on how men would perceive us.
It is because of patriarchy that I, as a queer individual, have relentlessly tried to earn validation from other people. It is the system that still labels me inadequate because of my sexuality even after spending a lifetime proving myself. We were made to believe by this system that a person’s worth is not inherent, but something to earn.
In order to create a world where we aren’t limited by the idea that our worth can be measured, we must not see ourselves as isolated from the world. Our villain era should rather empower us to question the material conditions that made us believe that the only way for us to be enough is through depleting ourselves. We must be able to look into how we were taught that the only way we can love and care for people is through completely sacrificing ourselves. And lastly, the villain era should make us scrutinize a system that antagonizes us for asserting our boundaries and prioritizing ourselves.